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If you ever want a fulfilling marriage, with love as its core and joy as the goal, you need to make some big shifts in your thinking and changes in your behavior.
No, of course not. This bears repeating. Even though you may have no blame whatsoever, you DO have the ability to resuscitate your marriage all by yourself. Can you forgive him? Of course, you can. It means opening your heart. You will see changes in yourself that others feel. You will be like Mary Poppins. Birds will land on your shoulders, squirrels will come up to you and children will want you to smile at them.
You should see some of our emails of gratitude. It is not your fault that your husband broke a moral code. That is not suggested or implied.
Yet, no one should be surprised by the reactions people have to their environment. The following are common reactions men who have strayed have had to bad marriages. Usually, these are caused by neither partner acting in the best interest of the marriage.
You can use these as a way of gaining insight into your own situation. All of these are fixable. There can be many causes for boredom, but usually, it is due to a lack of positive interactions.
The causes are always due to the couple not knowing how to nurture their marriage. The love that was there initially has gone into hiding rather than being expanded daily. Marriage is complicated but looks simple. So their marriage and relationship lose its zing. As a wife, you have a great power to nurture the intimacy and love in your relationship that your husband does not have.
Read the article linked above for more. When it becomes too burdensome, anyone will seek escape. There are better and worse ways to escape, but it is far better to heal the marriage, and not have to consider escaping, because you love being together. It is also quite common that wives often complain, criticize, or condemn their husbands. But he may perceive it as constantly nagging at best, or a constant barrage of attacks at worst.
Feeling the need to escape this type of environment is just as common. He could be escaping from any negativity in your marriage, from emotional venting to constant arguing and fighting, to family drama. In the cases of boredom or escape, both partners are often willing to work on improving the marriage as they both still see the potential. But by the time anger causes a man to stray, he is no longer amenable to being a part of the solution. If constant nagging, arguing or fighting have persisted, he might look elsewhere out of anger or resentment.
This reaction is all too normal and usually means the wife will have to save the marriage on her own. It is certainly possible as the linked article outlines for you. Can your marriage survive? But the effort will have to be completely yours at first, and maybe for a long while. Will he stop cheating? But it takes longer for him to jump in and start making effort as well.
Once the wife starts making positive changes, usually he will remain passive, waiting to see if the changes are real and sincere. In this case, the husband is on his way out. He has given up on his wife and marriage. He feels betrayed, abused, and hopeless.
Usually, it is because his wife has chosen to not listen to his frustrations or hopes. It is not uncommon for a wife to contact us too late to stop his momentum. Maybe he has already left home and his family. However, we have seen determined wives win their husbands back, even after moving in with younger women. For instance, when you first started driving, if someone cut you off on the road you might have chased them down, pulled them over, and dragged them out of their car, or felt like you wanted too.
Negative reactions act as a stopper for your heart, which also closes off any hope of happiness. To remove the negative emotions you must start to change the habits that run your life. They are what cause you to react before you can stop yourself.
In fact, you can get this part of my course by signing up for our free, 3-day free trial. No matter how you learn, it must be done. Your marriage will not be able to improve to until one of you learns to manage your emotions and eliminate your negative reactions.
And since you are reading this article, you are likely the one most interested and willing to give it a shot. Go for it! Feel free to write to our counselors if you would like to ask a question about your marriage. Our specially trained counselors can explain whatever you need. It is what we are here for. He got really mad at me…. Why now what? If there are children to consider your situation is a challenge, and your challenges will not be simple. Because it sounds like you are living together I will share some basic information with you.
I may be of some help. He, and all of us, learn in our own time, and in our own way. He is who he chooses to be. If you choose to continue your relationship it will take a lot of patience and effort to get to a normal place. It is clear your relationship was never THAT good, because if it were, he never would have cheated on you.
If you study marriage, like you would anything else that is important to you, you will eventually be fine. Otherwise you will go from one problem to another. You cannot change someone, or make them love you. But you can become more approachable by being more loving. It is always good to behave according to the highest principles, even when you do not get back what you deserve.
Your advice sounds great, however I do not see Why do men feel cheating is fine or date sites etc; War will not end us, my bet is on social media. i cant take any more lies, and then be nice and loving. I came to this site because i wanted to know why people think women should stay and put up with grap like that. i mean i love him, but I am tired. He travels a few times a month, so i happen to know that he is meeting women.
and let me say inside the home or out twice a day if we could. so his sexual needs has nothing to do with it, i think he seeks attention and self esteem. He is also 10 years older than me might i add.. and i clean up very well, most people tell me i look , he is i always tell him how fine and sexy he is. nevertheless he is unhappy with himself and i hate to leave. it wont happen!! am tired.. so tired i will be publishing a book about this new social media and will include all my real time notes to date!
Dear Maidinform I agree with you. It is not okay. Why do so many people equate sex with love? Is it how we are trained by the media?
Or are we just shallow? I think it is a lack of knowledge. I think we are sold a bill of false goods by TV and movies, and romantic stories that always end up in the bedroom.
Women have a greater capacity for love than men it is just the way it is of course there are scientific reasons and so women are in a better place to lead their marriage back to happiness. Resentment will not help. Criticism will not help. Complaining will not help. Leaving will not help, either! Dear Kathy You will never find the answers in articles. Marriage is complex. Find a source that you are comfortable with, then use their teachings.
Otherwise your marriage will continue to cycle down. dear paul friedman: this forum is beautiful. though we are not married. and we just so happen to have one of the most unusually crazy dynamics for a relationship between two people. so unique, its hard to fathom that you or any professional has ever been faced with giving advice to someone in my situation…. given what you have wrote here, as advice to these people, i believe u could probably help me too.
as the advice is exactly what i would have said to these women too. as such, i have a unique perspective on relationships, cause i understand the mans point of view and i understand why a man cheats. why do i know so much? because they tell me, men tell me. i am a women who men go to when they are cheating on their wives.
lf not to just reinforce what i already know , but am in denial about. or not. or not anything i know at all… or be justified , to relish in my self pitty.
which seems to me, the only thing thing that makes sense. but what i do know is that i am hurting and would like your advice. please let me know if i can ask you for advice? some words of wisdom for the wise…? i am your latest and greatest number one fan! thank you for your work you provide to humanity…. Of course… please write in to our counselors, which is available in the menu, and ask for your request to come to me. And sex most of us love sex but why do we have to change for him?
Some have kids and work our asses off and housework and kids and all and still try to make him happy. Fuck that! He needs to help! Kids are the reason we decide to heal the marriage, not endure suffering. Sometimes the only reason anyone would consider staying in the marriage is to protect their children from divorce.
The rare marriages when a divorce is justified, or the kids actually do better are so few that it is not worth mentioning. A man who cheats is NEVER justified in doing so. It is wrong; period. But you have to choose. Do you prefer punishing him, and pushing him further out the door? Or, do you want to try to save your marriage? You cannot have both. You are allowing your anger to rule you. Sex is not love, and love is not just giving sex. If you wish to save your marriage you will have to change who you are, or you will keep doing the same things that ruined your marriage his cheating is a symptom.
Get our marriage help program!!! Dear Corinne, There is a vast difference between the two and you know it. Fantasy is not an action that produces outward effects, just personal problems. However, that being said, your idea of you personally substituting for his fantasies is even worse than you know because it will separate you from your husband even more.
Besides, you are his wife, not a sex toy. You need to get educated! Read one of my books. It will possibly be all you need unless you are not talking about him going further than using porn as an escape. Posted ads looking for sexual partners when i was begging for him to spend time with me, have sex with me, and im a 10! I found out by looking through his phone once he started a travelling job that kept him away from home.
He saw an opportunity and took it. Yet he claims he never slept with anyone. Hes wanted me since we were 13 yet this is what he does to me after waiting 14 years to finally have me? But im a foolish jackass for trusting him. For trusting anyone. So tell me, how did his loving wife cause his infidelity? That is not the same as condoning actions that are obviously immoral and detrimental.
But you, dear Dee, are focused so much on the material aspects of yourself that your poor heart is suffocating. So, where is your compassion? Where is your self-analysis? Clearly, you have known your husband for a long time. What do you plan? To end your marriage? To wait for him to come around?? I offer an objective view and you do not want to hear it. that does not mean it is inaccurate.
Nor does it mean I attack you. It only means what is written in the article. How you take it is up to you. I suggest you get more objective, so you can move forward and not towards a divorce. My husband has been in several sffairs with girls online.. he got cought and still contunues to lie to me about it..
he know ive hurd and seen then and still he says its all in my head but i know what he has been doing.. its been 5years since i figured it. Out and still hes doing it.. i dont know whay to do.. help me pleasse god help. Read either of my books so you can evaluate where you need to bolster things.
Generally speaking, a wife has great power when she comes from a place of love, and only love. It is, after all, why men marry women in the first place. I am very please that my wife found this article…. As the wanderer in our relationship it helps me to understand a little about myself and I know we are smart enough to utilize these amazing tools… Blessing to everyone. It is not a question of intelligence at this point.
But would you take it up for a spin? The years and experiences I have had were critical in the development of what we now sell, which the article only touches upon, to people like you in order to ensure success. Trying to do this on your own at this stage is unwise and a set-up for certain failure. If it were otherwise I would be the first to tell you.
I enjoyed this article. I stumbled upon it through online searching for help on what to do. I found a video that a girl had sent my husband in February. I know he would never physically cheat but the online things hurt me. I need help on what to do to help my marriage grow stronger and to help fulfill he urge to wander.
Any advice would be appreciated! Courtney has done what many women do that will only make matters worse and tops it off by offering a solution that merely enables him. It is not an easy assignment in our world because there is so much confusion but I have made the process doable by anyone who is as sincere as Cortney. Her husband, like all men, needs the unconditional love of a woman expressed in ways he understands. It is really that simple.
Hopefully, Courtney will choose the course for women. In her case it would work perfectly. Both she and her husband would swim in the love and bask in their newfound ever-expanding happiness and never look back. My husband and I met 13 years ago and we blent our kids together as a family.
Now our kids are adults and we feel lost. My husband started going to the gym 4 hours a day, got a sports car, and started to become distant. I gave into him hoping the distance would go away. But this back fired. He started an emotional affair with a woman I actually became friends with after double dating. Swinging never worked out for us as couples together but he and the wife were texting intimate things like I love you baby. Her words to him burn in my mind.
This statement was far more hurtful than their saying I love you. I did confront him. Our marriage did go straight down the tubes. He found out and says this may be a deal breaker for him. Now that I made these mistakes, and with me being a monogamous loyal person and him wanting more kinky sexual encounters, can our marriage be saved.
I have already vowed to not look back. Forgive him. And be more positive. I made a commitment to fixing this because the crime is far less excruciating than losing him. Please help! Dear Rachel, I understand your and see that we are in the same boat, I just want to know how you over came it!!!
You know I was reading your article, and what what r u trying to sell…I am a woman who was meant to be a mother and house wife and I have been with the same man for 17 years and from the start he has been on numbers and dating sites.
I have been the one to be loving and pleasing in and out of bed. I have done everything, everything to hold us together and he does nothing…So tell me…where have i gone wrong, how is any of this my fault in any way?
Audrey Your situation is not pleasant to hear about. Were you aware of his calls when you married him? Some men never mature, even when they are married and have children. In those situations it is nearly impossible to do anything other than endure, and cover, so your children are unaware.
However, in most homes where the husband has strayed it is because he gave in to temptation instead of opening up to his wife. In far too many of those cases the wife is oblivious of her failures and would not listen even if her husband laid it out as succinctly as I do.
Its NOT her fault! Its a problem with a lack of true marital knowledge. How many understand how to gauge their own behaviors? Express love as a natural part of their life?
How to create ongoing intimacy? How to be truly compassionate? If you want a truly happy marriage it is well within your power. However, my conclusion is it mainly comes down to the mans needs not being met, either emotionally or physically. It always seems that women are the givers, and at some point when they get fed up with giving and express that dissatisfaction with the status quo, then men go looking elsewhere.
Women have to be so many things in a marriage, wife, lover, carer, mother, supporter, decision maker, cook, nurse and bottle washer! Men never wear that many different hats. The same question comes from men who read articles addressed to them, about their wives. The person who seeks help has the power to change only themselves so that is what I offer, only that which is useful to them.
Keep in mind that his negative actions are no excuse for your undesirable behaviors. My husband drinks and goes on Tinder and talks to women, has sent naked pics, went on a few dates, and invited one woman over.
He says nothing sexual happened. He had been drinking the whole time. I had problems with my sex drive as newlyweds due to birth control pills and he never seemed to be able to let that go because we were supposed to be in newlywed sexual bliss. We waited until we were married for sex. I felt I was robbed of the experience and have asked him for compassion. He has refused and thinks only about how HE was robbed of the experience.
I was thrown in to an alcoholic marriage and rarely connect with him on an emotional level. He continues to drink and treats me in nasty ways. A few times our interactions turned physical when he drank.
So naturally, sex feels like a transaction to please him. How am I supposed stick around for this? And our children? You are like two children fighting over who should go first and keep spiting each other, though he seems better at the negative and is in self-destruct mode. You can be the first to take the first step if you want but you need to do so without all this resentment which means you need to deal with your mind by getting it to do what you tell it to do.
The best solution is the course for women we have at The Marriage Foundation. Really, talk of divorce when you can save your family? You are correct in stating that web sites like Ashley Madison need to disappear from the face of the earth. I know from personal experience that affairs are like atomic bombs, they destroy everything in their path. I filed for a divorce immediately. We were married for over 20 years. I also discovered that he had been cheating for the 2nd time, this time his affair partner was a married woman.
I believe no marriage can be salvaged if the wayward spouse refuse to change and develop a moral compass. I could no longer accept my ex-husband dishonoring me and disrespecting our teenage daughter.
I think not. Dear Msjay I am sorry for your personal experience. I know many therapists, if not most, suggest infidelity spells the end of the marriage. But that is not our experience. I only wish we could have been there for you and your family.
I later discovered that he had at least 4 other sexual affairs and was fired from his job for downloading porn images. Thank you for your well wishes and keep up the good work. Be blessed! The past is the past, and I am glad you have moved on to raise your daughter well.
It is rare, no matter how awful things may appear, to have to lose a marriage, thanks to our discoveries about marriage, and the way we approach it. Many thanks and blessings for sharing your story and confirmation about the Ashley Madisons of the world.
I read your article. It was an interesting take on things… I am 6 months into my new marriage, recently discovered my husband has been on a sex dating site.
FFS really?? Wrong or right I felt better confronting him, I am glad he is gone and if he thinks the grass is better well so be it. Hi Bella, You know the article was not written for newlyweds, but for marriages where there are children, and saving the marriage is of a much higher importance.
In your case you did the right, and recommended thing. Please read my article on Newlyweds Having Second Thoughts. I am sorry for what you have been through! My husband and I have been married 8 years but I feel like it never was a marriage. From the start a week after we were married he was talking to other girls. All throughout are marriage he has done this. All the same story.
I feel like our marriage was a big waste of my time. We have 2 kids and guess what after each kid was born in found him talking to other girls. even underage. He does everything you can think of to do. Fuck book, Kiki, snap chat, creating different email accounts. Ando bc he has. ptsd and tbi I make it an excuse.
Yet here I am trying to make it work. In our marriage help program for women we begin with how to manage your mind so the impact is greatly lessened, and how to see your husband as having a disease to contend with, that hurts everyone.
Then, we go over marriage in depth, so all your expectations can be realistic. Your husband is reacting; to your behaviors, as well as his own misconceptions.
Every man will react differently. You cannot alter the things in his mind, but you can alter the outer conditions, meaning how you are with him.
In most cases that is more than enough. In some cases the husband might be using alcohol, drugs, or be impacted by something nobody can see, and those cases are tougher. Bur usually the marriage should get better in ways you cannot now imagine.. try to not give up. So, what courses are there? And he was a really bad drunk. I need to feel loved as well. Dear Sarah My suggestion for you is to take our program which is unconditionally guaranteed.
I am not saying it will work, because of the drugs and alcohol. But there are many things you can do to be less victimized, and maybe help your husband to see the light. Good Luck to all of you. Good job Lorie! Now, if you wish, you can learn more about marriage and take yours to a higher level, without fear of making mistakes.
Marriage is scientific! He was on his own for a long time and I think they were his female companionship. We both are seniors with very bad experiences in the past and he has many good qualities. I think his male self esteem has been seriously compromised from the past. While I am not threatened by them, I know they indicate that our relationship is not what I want it to be. He is very afraid to open up but is doing so slowly. I agree that confrontation is unlikely to benefit anyone.
It does not take away from the good stuff in our relationship. I have recently started sending him love song videos which he seems to appreciate. I have had, at various times, to make the decision as whether I want to promote this relationship or end it.
I have decided to promote it. His communication with me about deep issues and also just to keep on touch when he is away is improving slowly but steadily. At some point I may share with him that I know about it, but in a kind way acknowledging that he has some needs that are not met in our relationship.
Since he has been doing it for a long time before we met I would not expect that he would drop it immediately. None of us is perfect. Your ability to weigh the positives against the negatives and let go of the negatives will allow your love to grow without restraint.
Not building expectations that cannot be met is further proof of your innate wisdom, and your refusal to be influenced by trendy and false crazy ideas is admirable. I think you would enjoy our book. Our free personal ads are full of single women and men in Husband looking for serious relationships, a little online flirtation, or new friends to go out with. Start meeting singles in Husband today with our free online personals and free Husband chat!
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Start dating in Husband today! I had no luck meeting anyone while attending my local community college. That one scared almost everyone away.
Is the Yahoo Dating site even around still?! I will never forget it. I was at work, scrolling through the hundreds of profiles on Yahoo, almost in desperation. For the record, yes, I was supposed to be working but instead searching for my future soul mate. I have no excuses for that, except maybe that my dial up at home was too slow to even bother. I stumbled across what looked like a decent looking guy who lived an hour from me.
I had lived in Georgia all my life but never heard of a name like Chatsworth??!! Sounded like somewhere in the boonies!!! I have no idea except his profile struck me. Not his actual photo because it was a terrible picture of him by the way. It was what he said in his bio. Clearly, he had a daughter. Well, no surprise I had a son. From my experience, singles who had children were not great fish to catch in the dating world back then.
I reread his profile at least a dozen times. I remember asking my co-worker if she thought he was a good looking guy? Well, aside from whether he was cute or not, he checked off most of my boxes of things I was looking for in a husband. Yes, I actually had created one of those lists. So I took a chance.
It is fitting to be writing about this topic this week. Only because my husband and I met thirteen years ago to this day online. Yes, you read it right. Many of you reading this probably had no idea. Well honestly, I never really admitted this to many of my friends or family only because it was still quite a new concept back then and honestly frowned upon.
I think my mom still thinks I met my husband through a mutual friend. Wait till she reads this post! But I am not ashamed now. We have been married for twelve years and share four beautiful children together and five grandchildren.
So I conclude that online dating does work. Let me be completely vulnerable for a second. The dream of meeting my match in a bar was not working. Yes, I did go to bars… shocker huh? Most of the guys I did meet lied about their dating or married status, not looking for a commitment, or who knows what they were really there for. But I can tell you this, most of them were not looking for their future spouse.
I had no luck meeting anyone while attending my local community college. That one scared almost everyone away. Is the Yahoo Dating site even around still?! I will never forget it. I was at work, scrolling through the hundreds of profiles on Yahoo, almost in desperation. For the record, yes, I was supposed to be working but instead searching for my future soul mate. I have no excuses for that, except maybe that my dial up at home was too slow to even bother.
I stumbled across what looked like a decent looking guy who lived an hour from me. I had lived in Georgia all my life but never heard of a name like Chatsworth??!! Sounded like somewhere in the boonies!!! I have no idea except his profile struck me. Not his actual photo because it was a terrible picture of him by the way. It was what he said in his bio. Clearly, he had a daughter. Well, no surprise I had a son.
From my experience, singles who had children were not great fish to catch in the dating world back then. I reread his profile at least a dozen times. I remember asking my co-worker if she thought he was a good looking guy? Well, aside from whether he was cute or not, he checked off most of my boxes of things I was looking for in a husband.
Yes, I actually had created one of those lists. So I took a chance. Out of all the profiles, his stuck out to me the most. I paid the twenty-something dollar monthly membership fee and sent him a message. This allowed me to leave my email in hopes he would respond back. To my surprise, he responded that night!
Boy, oh boy, was that fast. Well, you will have to come back and read part two of my story and find out why our first date night was a disaster. Love this. My husband and I met on Match 9 years ago tomorrow. We went on our first date about 3 weeks later and have been together ever since! That is awesome Angela! I am so happy to hear other success stories! Happy Anniversary! Stay tuned for the second part of my story. Your email address will not be published. Skip to primary navigation Skip to main content Skip to primary sidebar Skip to footer Home » How I Met My Husband : Online Dating Does Work Part 1.
Contents show. Did you meet your spouse online? What was your experience like? You'll also love Happily Married Life — 10 Secrets for a Happy Marriage Marriage Quotes. Writing Wedding Thank You Notes — What Every Bride Needs to Know. Share Pin Yum Twitter. Comments Love this. Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published.
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The site confirms that he was online and got it. He deleted the sites but this past week I saw more accounts linked to an email he claims not to use. Marriage is not a business deal wherein both parties agree to equal effort, although our worldly training teaches us just that. Your husband is not your child, either though they often act that way. I do not know if he is still on the dating sites and viewing a lot of porn.Husband online dating can improve your marriage without his participation, or even his knowledge of what you are doing. But usually the reaction is either defensive, husband online dating, insulted or the beginning of the end. I just would like for him to have eyes for only me, be in love with me and for us to be orgasmically happy. Again deny, deny, deny. The idea is we have a good relationship I always have been good to him and his needs are met.